Drew, Erik, Tori, and Joshua find themselves in the street in front of the Sacred Grounds, watching someone who looks like Britta fighting six vampires.
Drew: This is going to go a lot faster than it did the first time.
GM: I don't believe this. Another 6.
Joshua: You brought Britta back from the dead. Are you really surprised you keep rolling 6, 6, 6?
GM: Tonight, the part of Graham Diehl will be played by Joshua
Joshua: From what I've heard you say about Graham, aren't I supposed to be dealing drugs on the side?
Sam: We never proved that.
Drew: She says the Order of Aurielius is in Solomon, searching for "the demon spawn." I'm pretty sure she means Drake.
Joshua: We'd better tell Erik.
Tori: No, we'd better tell someone who can do something about it. We'll tell Juanita first.
Joshua and Gwen are locked in an epic sword fight.
Joshua: Gwen has a date at Blaire's tomorrow night.
Drew: But you may still be fighting with her then.
Joshua: Remember the fight in Amber where it went on for days, and only stopped because one of them had a date?
Sam: Corwin and Bleys, on the stairs to Amber castle.
Joshua: How did you know that?
Sam: Look who I'm married to.
Gwen: I am a paladin. I am honor-bound to not let you breach this castle.
Joshua: Does that cover my friends who just went in the front door?
Gwen: Lead the way, rogue.
Joshua: In honor of our new party member... I guess I'll look for traps.
Drew is fighting a reincarnated robot Kitty.
Drew: It's a good thing Sam's not here to see me cheating on her with another Slayer.
Drew: You know how I'm in love with all Slayers?
Kitty: (Grins maliciously) Yeah.
Drew: Not you. (Decapitates her.)
Kitty's Head: Well, this is awkward.
After Kitty has been properly disposed of...
Kitty's Head: (In Japanese) *#$%$# ... $%^#%# ... Get me out of this #$%$#%$ cabinet! ... @#$%$#!!!
Drew: So, you're saying that they're slayer vampire zombies? Because slayer vampires weren't enough?
Drew: I'm guarding the door.
GM: Good move. Some of the other guys were looking like they were thinking about slinking out while everybody was distracted.
Drew: Nobody slinks on my watch.
Graham: Hey there, hot stuff.
Tori: You have no idea.
Drew: Yeah, we've dealt with the Russians before. Last time we ended up with a surface-to-air missile.
Graham: You're arms dealers now? Sweet!
Drew: We should have sent Graham to Blaire's.
Tori: No, I wouldn't wish that on Blaire.
Drew: Tori, go get Graham.
Joshua: Collect him as roughly as you wish.
Tori: I shoot the mobster. (rolls dice) Damn. Eight.
GM: Okay, you hit Graham. In the ass.
Tori: I can't believe I missed.
Drew: "Missed." Yeah, you just keep telling us that.
Graham: You shot me, you psycho hose beast!
Graham: Hey! Someone help me! Hey! My ass!
Joshua: It's very disappointing how many things in this town are immune to bullets. What's the point of even carrying a big gun?
Joshua: Tori's car is cleaner than Sam's.
Sam: Less camping gear.
Drew: Fewer weap...
Sam: I wouldn't say that.
Joshua: Better organized weapons.
Drew: I'll shoot, right between the eyes.
GM: Since the eyes are all that you can see, that's your only real shot.
Drew: (rolls dice) And I get it dead center between the eyes. Unfortunately, it's the eyes of two different creatures.
GM: You see two vampires menacing a couple.
Erik: Unhand that people... (pause) Those people. (pause) I'm out of practice.
Michael: You know, if he'd just asked us, we would have helped.
Erik: Yeah, we feel really bad about losing his amulet.
Joshua: Well, we did.
Everybody has been asked to tell the GM one thing they have loved and lost.
GM: You're lying in bed and you wake up, and your long-lost dog jumps up and starts licking you on your face.
Jacen: I should have said Sarah Peterson.
Erik: What's on the tombstone?
GM: Tori, you wake up. You feel good, although your ears tingle a little.
Drew: She's an elf.
Jacen: Strange things have been going on recently.
Mrs. Olgevy: Yes, strange things go on around here often.
Michael: But you're a teenager and this will pass.
Jacen: Mr. Saiyer is missing.
Mrs. Olgevy: Who?
Joshua: It's never been renovated.
Erik: Never been burned.
Joshua: That's what I meant by renovated.
Joshua: Do you want to go with the hot girl or do a little B&E?
Jacen: Wow. Hmm. Let's see. Hmm. Do I have a chance?
Jacen: I'll do the B&E.
Erik: In the alternate universe I'm from, we're married.
Juanita: I have no idea what he's talking about.
Erik: Wait, you two are...? That is so hot.
Drew: So Joshua turned Cora into a lesbian in this universe, too.
Jacen: There has got to be a universe where I end up with lesbians.
Joshua: Just so you know, you and I went on a date in my universe and it was a complete disaster and I'm sorry.
Drew: He trashed your car.
Joshua: Actually, it was the guys with machine guns at the art show who trashed it. We just hid behind it while they were shooting at us.
Marcy: We went to an art show?
Terra Tori: Where is Dad, anyway?
Tori: That's another one of those complicated things.
Drew: He's in evil witness protection.
Terra Tori: I have lots to talk about with your mom.
Michael: You can show her your fashion portfolio.
Tori: I haven't developed that skill as much as you have.
Terra Tori: I can tell.
GM: You had dreams of high school. Horrible dreams of cliques and being unpopular.
Tori: Great, I had her dreams
Michael: Not necessarily.
Drew: Sounds like she was having my dreams.
Terra Tori: You really want to put Drew in a sidekick outfit?
Sam: Well, maybe not sidekick, exactly.
Terra Tori: How about we just get him real clothes that look nice?
Drew: The thing is, if the credit cards are identical between universes, Terra Tori will use hers and it'll draw off real Tori's account. But, if it's a Wolfram & Hart corporate card, it'll draw on her account back in her home universe.
Drew: Waiter, can I get some more ice water, please?
Terra Tori: I don't really rely on them.
Sam: That's good. Especially March; she's kind of wishy-washy.
GM: Terra Tori tries to create fire, can't, and her clothes catch on fire.
Drew: Hey, Tori. In this universe, when people burn their bras, they take them off first.
Drew hits Terra Tori with a trash can.
Michael: She's feeling a little grouchy right now.
Sam: Morn trick-or-treating.
GM: You see a bug scurrying across the table and Drake's tongue shoots out like a frog's and grabs it.
Drew: I see he's eating solid food now.
Tori: So, you owe her one.
Michael: There was mutual oweage.
Drew: I'm just not sure whether Juanita went there to save the world or conquer it.
Ada: That I don't know. But I definitely got the sense that she had things under control.
Drew: And yet, I'm not finding that reassuring.
GM: A wave of energy comes through and suddenly everything is clean and organized.
Drew: Whatever they were doing in Texas, I think they somehow just invoked the anti-Erik force.
Etta: Do you know how old I am?
Sam: I'd probably be a couple centuries off.
Etta: A couple centuries! I'll have you know, I am a mere ninety-five years old!
Etta: And you, Michael, entrapping me with your long, handsome...
Tori: He is a shapeshifter.
Drew: I'm not embarrassed. I'm grossed out. There's a difference.
On seeing Etta's Wonderbus.
Sam: Do I have to make a will roll to not laugh at this thing?
Michael: If Joshua went out with someone with multiple personalities, would he be able to date the same girl twice?
Tori: No. They'd leave each other notes.
Slayer club meets two hot teenage girls.
Jace: I just killed a crap monster!
Tori: Technically, I just killed a crap monster.
Nan: You're so young and cool compared to these guys, Jace.
Halliday: You do things very differently than any Watcher, Mr. Saiyer.
Drew: He's actually helpful.
Halliday: It was not my intention to be condescending.
Michael: It just comes naturally.
Drew: He's had years of training.
Ada: Jonathan, can you finish playing superhero and come in here and make coffee?
Jace: I wonder what other super powers Monsoon has?
Sam: She can increase water pressure.
Jace: What does Elena look like through the camera?
Tori: What do I look like?
Jace: What does Tori's ass look like?
Michael: Do you really want to get into a pissing match of secret organizations?
Jace: Drew, can I borrow your car?
Drew: No. Technically, it's our car. But originally it was Sam's, and I want to live.
Severin: Behold the fnord goo!
Audience Member: Fnord goo?
Severin: We're working on a better name.
GM: Drew's mostly black and white, except for his fingers.
Jace: Drew has magic fingers.
Sam: I'll remain silent on that.
Carsen: I shouldn't tick Tori off, should I?
Sam: Fortunately, that's pretty hard to do.
Jace: Actually, I find it pretty easy.
Jace: (Holds up a pen) You can't kill a vampire with a Bic.
Tori: (Flicks her ligher) I can.
Erik: If you can see magic, you'd be great in my alchemy classes.
Tori: Yeah, we could use an alchemist we can trust.
Sam: What does your housemate look like?
Carsen: She's dressed in costume as something I've never heard of.
Carsen: Vampires. Magic. I am so high right now.
Drew: You know, Soloman is a really dangerous place to get high. You should just say 'no'.
Tori: So, you're just here for the conference?
Jovian: Yes. Fascinating event. Have you tried shooting the pterodyctal?
Carsen: Hellmouth? That means this is a bad place, right?
Tori: Often. Not always bad, but definitely strange.
Erik: It means the walls between dimensions are thin here.
Drew: And the neightbors are loud.
Jace can see magic.
Jace: Tori! Turn it down!
Tori: This is turned down.
Carsen: So, can I kinda scoot past the people with the terrifying weapons?
GM: There's a police car outside.
Carsen: Uh oh.
Drew: That means it's safe now.
Sam: 'Drugs. PCP.' Does anybody even make PCP anymore?
Carsen: I do.
Drew: We were not smoking dope.
Carsen: Everybody who knows me and not you, will assume you're stoners.
Erik: Especially when they see the way Sam dresses.
Carsen: You have yeti? I should have gone to UT.
Drew: Yeah, Texas isn't exactly yeti country.
Sophie: The obituary page was a bit large for a campus paper, but I thought it was just something in the water.
Pandora: What did the potion taste like?
Carsen: And explosions.
Sam: The Order of Aurelius keep coming back. They're like toadstools or something.
Tori: Like vampiric gophers.
Erik: Drake! Where's Drake?
Drew: He knocked you out and ran off to Texas. Usually that doesn't happen until they're teenagers, but he's precocious.
Tori: He's not necessarily in Texas. He could be going to Texas. Or, worse, the Texas demon could be coming here.
Carrson: Not worse for Texas.
Sam: Your son knocked you out and went to the mall.
Drew: Tori! What have you been teaching that boy?
GM: The vampire's off balance from holding Carsen, so he can't get much force behind his attack on Tori.
Carsen: I'm contributing!
Carsen: I'll surreptitiously slip PCP into the pockets of the corpses.
Drew: That's going to blow the cops' minds. This will be the first PCP-related crime scene ever where they actually find PCP.
Jace: Is there a magical term for breakfast cereal?
Carsen: I could make magic breakfast cereal...
Tori: We are not making magic breakfast cereal.
Tori: What is that?
Erik: That's was previously Nine Inch Nails, but now it's Front 242.
Jace: Are you DJing?
Drew: Yes, he's DJing the crime scene.
Carsen: I think the sheriff is absolutely right: this town has a PCP problem. Yetis on PCP.
Carsen: I can make exploding breakfast cereal.
Drew: Snap, crackle, boom!
Drew: We're concerned about moves to restrict guns here in Massachusetts.
George: Yes, fighting against the Massachusetts legislature has been a real ball-buster.
Jace: It would be easier if we had more guns.
Carsen: Can I get blessed C4?
Erik: You can embed blessed ball bearings in it. A holy IED.
GM: Who's going first? Sam and Tori?
Jace: I'm not going to let the girls show me up, even if they are the Slayer and the Avatar of Mars!
Drew: But if you let the girls go first, you can check out their asses.
The Spider Queen has captured Drew and has mind controlled him into obeying her every command.
Spider Queen: Tell me everything.
Drew: I was born in Solomon General Hospital on March 15, 1975. Of course, I don't actually remember that part, but I have it on very good authority. My first actual memory isn't until a couple years later, when...
Drew: I'm a drooling GPS.
Spider Queen: Come in, Ms. Kessler. You can bring your minions.
Tori: Did she just call me a minion?
Jace: I am so not wiping my feet.
Spider Queen: Who are you people?
Carsen: The Solomon Self-Defense Club!
GM: Erik stabs at her backside ineffectually.
Drake: She was kind of icky, wasn't she, Mommy?
Sam: Erik iis the bad cookie fairy.
Tori: I think we have Carsen's call sign: Spiderwoman. It's perfect—she's just like Peter Parker.
Drew: Peter Parker is not on drugs.
Carsen: Texas is an awful big state.
Drew: G'hon Sharlok is an awful big demon.
Tori: It's Marcy. I hate her guts, but I won't let them kill her.
Tori: Is Carsen even 21 yet?
Drew: But she makes drugs
Carsen: But I'm not old enough to legally drink.
Tori: This pretty much falls into the category of something she may or may not know.
Carsen: FDA recall! I have to confiscate those cookies. I suspect PCP. Hooligans made those cookies!
Drew: I already have all the evil calories.
Drew: We need to keep the yummy, yummy cookies away from Drake.
Carsen: Agreed. 9 months old is far too young for processed sugar.
Drew: You think I'm so cookie-whipped. (Munches yet another cookie)
Professor Malion: Do you have a weapon?
Tori: I am a weapon.
Tori: Jace has hieightened vulnerability to Venusian charms: he's seventeen.
Erik is describing the Venusians to his son.
Drake: Are they bad demons?
Erik: No, they're very nice. (Juanita hits him on the arm, hard.) Ow!
Tori: Can you honestly say that when you talk to a hot girl that you have all your faculties intact?
Jace: My wha..??
Jace: I'm not going in there. This is my good Pink Floyd shirt!
Carsen: I'm trying to remember the things I don't know.
Carsen: I've got six different ways to improve this machine already. Most of them are legal.
GM: There's sort of three flavors of energy.
Drew: So it's a Neopolitan storm?
GM: Yes, but it's not chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry, it's...
Carsen: Evil, evil, and evil.
GM: I was going to say water, electricty, and compost.
GM: Floating down from the sky, surrounded by lightning, is sort of a Norse Goddess.
Carsen: So it's another Tuesday in Solomon.
Tori: No... Thursday!
Carsen: Does she smell like Science?
Tori: Marcy and Callie have the Venus and Jupiter orbs and they're after Drake.
Juanita: Lords of Hell.
Sam: From her, that's a prayer, not a curse.
GM: You have an unlicensed, untested cosmic energy diverter.
Drew: Not UL approved.
Drew: What do you want for the book?
Marcy: A kiss.
Drew: What am I, Joshua?
Erik: How do you file this insurance claim?
Sam: Act of gods.
Carsen: I completely missed all the murder!
Carsen: Alderick's presence calls alcoholism.
Jace: There's a sporting goods store in this mall, right? So I can get arrows and bullets and stuff from there.
Drew: The only problem is, these things are mostly immune to normal weapons.
Jace: These are holy weapons. It's a Christian sporting goods store.
Carsen: Science is never a match for explosions.
Jace The worst spin-off show ever: Carsen's Adventures in Carsenland.
Sam: It could get picked up by Nickolodeon. As a cartoon.
Drew: Okay, it's an alternate universe. Do we have a zeppelin?
GM: But one can be seen floating over Solomon.
Jace: Do I have a Led Zeppelin T-shirt?
Carsen: I haven't blown up anything. Important. In a while.
Jace: You know, Mr. Saiyer. He teaches at Solomon High.
Drew: Is he new?
Jace: Oh, no.
Drew: We are not making a zombie dog.
Jace: There's a big, green cloud of trouble rolling in here.
Carsen: Remember when we took that bus, we were carrying crossbows, and I was soooo wasted?
Jace: I didn't have my license, and you didn't have a car, so yeah. It was like, (Mimicking a 'typical' Solomon hunter) "So, deer hunting season already?" (In his own voice) "Ayup."
Tori has temporarily lost her powers.
Jace: I usually can't look upon your radiance.
Tori: Is that what you call a pick-up line?
Gwen disarms Alderick and sends him flying across the room.
Drew: (Stepping between them) May I cut in?
Drew disarms Gwen and she and her surviving companions retreat.
Drew: Next Tuesday, your lair?
Pundle: I don't want to get involved.
Jace: Then why are you lurking in our alley?
Jace: I have the Fnord Goo.
Pundle: I don't know what that is.
Jace: I don't, either.
Drew: You know those combat-enhancing super-soldier drugs? Yeah, Carsen isn't on those.
Drew: An equal and opposite reaction! He wasn't expecting that, because this is pre-Newton.
GM: You rolled a 14? Awesome! Not good enough, unfortunately.
Drew: (in pigeon) Have sacred scrolls?
Ancient Watcher: (in pigeon) Yes.
Drew: (in English) Not for long, sucker.
Jace: I need to wash my jacket.
Carsen: You sound like a man in dire need of a powerful solvent.
Jace: Are your potions safe?
Carsen: That's an interesting philosophical question.
Alderick: No, I don't want a wristwatch made of wrists.
Carsen: What's the difference between a Guardian and a Watcher?
Drew: I haven't stolen any of the Guardians' books. Yet.
GM: What are you doing with the Wolfram & Hart guy?
Drew: We'll leave him to the Watcher.
Carsen: Sounds like another man in need of a powerful solvent.
Sam cuts through Koryzoon's ACL.
Drew: I used to be an Elder God like you until I took a Slayer axe in the knee.
GM: Koryzoon's like, "what are these things crawling all over me?"
Alderick: I've got humans!
Jace: We just assume Elder God's don't get wigged out by humans crawling all over them.
Jace: I shoot my hand-crossbow at Koryzoon.
Tori: Well, we give you points for pluck.
Carsen: Can you bless Russian anti-aircraft missiles?
Drew: Yes, but you have to be Orthodox.