Erik: These boots are made for staking.
Joshua: I open-ended up...if you know what I mean.
Erik: No. I have absolutely no idea what you mean.
GM: Tori has had too much caffeine.
Joshua: So she's exhibiting bizarre, warlike perkiness?
Dr. Gersham: The golems are glowing!
Joshua: Maybe they're nuclear golems.
Dr. Gersham: I have a point in that.
Joshua: Nuclear weapons?
Dr. Gersham: No, I meant a point in golems.
Joshua: Thank God!
GM: You can de-bag her with one action.
No, for once Joshua is trying to get an NPC damsel out of a sack, not into it. Really!
Not that he doesn't manage to get her into the sack, anyway. Leading to a typical Joshua morning after.
Erica: I thought you were popular!
Drew: We need to get into the VR lab.
Joshua: Cool. I'll go get my tools.
Drew: Not B&E. I meant some sort of social engineering option.
Joshua: You're no fun!
Joshua pulls up next to a bunch of VR cops in a hovercar.
Joshua: Pull over!
Drew, meanwhile, jumps off a roof into a hovercar full of gangsters.
Drew: (Imitating Terminator voice) Get out.
Joshua: I'm a driving stud!
Dr. Gersham: Ah, now we understand why he only gets one night.
Drew, Joshua, and Sam: (Simultaneously) Never bring a chainsaw to a light-saber duel!
Tori: Besides, chainsaws are my schtick.
Tori is confronted with the hideous, hand-made "jewelry" and is so appalled, she can't even speak. The boys jump right in to fill the gap.
Erik: You showed more willpower than I would have. Never mind kidnapping, this is a sin against fashion.
Joshua: Yes, our friend is kidnapped, but this... this is crap!
Erik dreams about Gwen.
Joshua: Was she wearing sun-god robes and throwing little pickles at you, like in Real Genious?
Erik: No, she was wearing a nightgown, and has no pickles.
GM: Juanita chooses to not not smack Erik.
When Juanita picks up Drew from his dream, he's dressed like Burt Ward's Robin.
Tori: I always thought you were more of an X-Man.
Drew: So did I. Just don't ask who Batman was.
Erik: Never mind physics, this is basic Star Trek.
Tori: There's something here, something important, but I just can't see it! I hate these "missing something" sensations.
Erik: You get used to it.
Erik and Juanita go find some privacy to "cast a spell."
Drew: I had no idea they had wildebeasts in Texas.
Sam: Are they vamps? I'll use my Slayer Sense.
GM: You know how it says in the rule book that sometimes you can detect vampires with Fashion Sense?
Sam: I'm not very good at that.
GM: I know. But in this case, even you can tell.
Drew: I'm not wearing a waistcoat. It'll make me look like a Watcher.
Tori: Too late.
Joshua: Does Sam still collect samples of her dustings?
Sam: Not anymore. There'd be way too much.
Erik: Enough they might explode on their own, like a flour bomb.
Joshua: What's more dangerous than a fuel-air explosion?
Tori: A vamp-air explosion!
Drew: Jonathan: mild-mannered barista by day, really crappy superhero by night.
Joshua: Sullivan's: the place for—am I getting my Britishisms right?—toffs and wankers.
The dorm's Columbus Day party gets a little out of hand.
Crowd: Pants the king!
Joshua (obviously dressed as King George): Pants the traitor!
Crowd: Who's the traitor?
Erik (less obviously dressed as Benedict Arnold): (Points randomly into the crowd) He is!
Joshua: I work for the government. I'm here to help.
Drew: This puts the "blunder" in "blunderbuss."
Joshua is a small demon with a big helmet.
Joshua: I am a helmet.
Tori is a small demon with a big... gun.
Tori: They're afraid of my blunderbuss.
Joshua: Oh, so that's what you're calling your cleavage.
Drew: Erik is about to lose at 3-card monte to a golem.
Erik and Joshua try to communicate in Spanish.
Erik: My crayon is big and yellow.
Joshua: That's not what Juanita says.
Michael: Next time, not too much compost. You might find a relative.
Drew: You people don't understand loser combat. This is loser combat at its finest!
He jumps into a pile of manure—head first—and doesn't come out.
Michael, as a demon, shoots his own body in the head.
Joshua: He's a bit headstrong.
Joshua and Drew play Rock, Paper, Scisors to determine who gets the last completed body switching wand.
Joshua: Scisors!
Drew: Rock!
Joshua: Congratulations. You win.
Drew: Of course I do. We're goblins—rock beats everything.
Drew accidentally switches bodies with Sam.
Sam: Jeez, Drew. I knew you wanted my body, but not like this!
Joshua: Sometimes a wand is just a wand.
Dr. Gersham: And sometimes, it's a prelude to shenanigans.
Joshua: Today's Thursday. It's Election Day.
Drew: Election Day is always on Tuesday.
Michael: No wonder your candidates keep losing.
Sam: That was odd. I just got a phone call from Blaire.
Joshua: Blaire has a phone?
Sam and Joshua go crashing through the windows into a vampire nest.
Sam: Surprise!
Joshua: That's all you got? 'Surprise?' No 'Avon calling?' No 'are you familiar with the Book of Mormon?'
Sam: Pithy comments aren't my schtick!
Joshua takes his dirt bike off road to chase down a fleeing vampire.
Joshua: I'm channeling my inner Steve McQueen.
GM: Misha and Ivan don't take American Express.
Joshua: But they do take numbered Swiss Bank Accounts.
Joshua: We currently seem to have a stockpile of magical items.
Misha: Perhaps we could help un-stock some of your pile.
Joshua has deposted the Valiant in Blaire's parking lot with extreme prejudice.
Joshua: You know, there's this nice, brown Plymouth Valiant parked in your tree outside. I'm sure I could find a closer parking spot, though.
Sam: Look! I have this whole bar to myself, and my friends don't buy your kind of drinks. We could just stay here all night.
Joshua: I'll spend a Drama Point. I am not willing to lose a loot-off.
Juanita: I'll spend one, too.
GM: Okay. What'd you get?
Juanita: Twenty-four.
Joshua: Thirty-two.
Juanita: Oh, you bitch!
GM: You find a map of the tunnels leading through the demon to the brew pub.
Sam: It's Koryzoon's colonoscopy.
Vampie: Do you know how hard it is to get rid of a case of Kalashnikovs in Geneva right now? Everybody has a case of Kalashnikovs. The hotel bellboy had a case of Kalashnikovs!
Erik: I take good care of my tools.
Drew: Must...not...make...comment.
Robert Guerra calls the Sacred Grounds, looking for Slayer Club.
Erik: Oh, hi. You're that kid with the wand-thing. I remember that... really well.
Joshua: There is no saving throw versus Mom.
Mrs. Guerra: I'm holding you responsible for my son's safety.
Erik: No! Oh, no. Right now, I'm saying no. I'm not responsible.
Erik finds Marcy in her "Martense Security" hat outside the burned remains of the faculty office building.
Erik: So, you help put out the fire? Squirt, squirt?
Marcy: Who's the kid?
Erik: My apprentice.
Robert: I'm not his apprentice.
Joshua: Pandora, in the conservatory, with the rocket launcher.
Slayer Club inventories their magical resources.
Robert: And I've got this chalk that can draw doors onto blank walls that actually open.
Joshua: That's just cheating.
Antique Store Owner: I could be convinced to halve the price for the rune stones... for the proper considerations.
Joshua: How much for the boy?
Antique Store Owner: I'll make you a deal. You paint me a protection rune to help reassure my customers, keep things from breaking in here, and I'll even let you put your name on it. If you don't mind people knowing what you can do, I mean. You can do it anonymously, too, if you prefer.
Erik: Of course I want everyone to know!
Erik: Now, my apprentice, take note. When you turn twenty-one and can enter a bar legally, do not come here. This is a bad, bad place.
Robert: I'm not your apprentice!
Robert: What's the saving throw for that? How many hit dice does this genie have?
Erik: Now, young Robert...
Joshua: 'Young Robert'? You're promoting him awfully fast.
Erik: He knows his D&D!
GM: You wake up from the stun, and you don't have your hammer anymore.
Drew: I've got your hammer right here.
Erik: What you've got to do now is pay attention to my snake.
Joshua gets the okay from his handler (a.k.a. Mom) to take care of the bad guy "with extreme prejudice." His player cracks open a cold one to celebrate.
Drew: So, license to kill is worth a Grape Nehi?
Joshua: Oh yeah!
Joshua: Robert, we need you to use your chalk.
Tori: I thought you said that was cheating!
Joshua: Since when do I ever not cheat?
Poseidon: Aries!
Tori: Sort of. Long story.
Poseidon: I like the look!
Drew: There's music and laughter. Juanita must not be there.
The heroes recognize the name of the king from Greek mythology, but can't quite place him.
Sam: Polydectes... Polydectes...
Drew: Rock me Polydectes!
Drew: We don't know that the gorgon is Juanita. We're assuming.
In her dream, Sam locates the image of Alcestis, an ancient Greek Slayer.
Sam: Hey, sis!
Erik: Weren't you at that party last night?
The hereos land on a mysterious island, devoid of all animal life, but home to an orchard full of golden apples.
Erik: Juanita honey, I'm home!
Erik: Excuse me, do you have a gorgon problem?
Drew: If so, call now! 1-900-PERSEUS.
Erik: The Fates have sent us. We need to kill gorgons, and you have gorgons in need of killing.
Michael: Please excuse him. He's Greek.
King: In exchange for ridding us of the gorgon, I offer you my greatest treasure...
Drew: Uh oh. Juanita's not going to like this.
King: ...the hand of my daughter.
Michael: Actually, we are here on a quest to rescue his betrothed from the monster.
Erik: My... Uh, yeah.
King: I understand. I would never stand in the way of those the gods have brought together. I offer you my daughter as your second wife.
Drew: I think the Grand Vazier likes me.
GM: Fortunately, your door has a lock.
Drew: Yeah, but the Grand Vazier probably has a key.
GM: You really don't want to be talking about the Grand Vazier's key right now.
Sam: Drew's probably in my room, anyway.
Drew: Exactly. I figure Sam can protect me from the Grand Vazier.
Tori: Given that they think we're Amazons, they probably expect me to be with Sam.
Michael: A Drew sandwich?
Drew: No. Tori doesn't share.
A gorgon can be very intimidating... to most people.
Erik: Come on, bitch! I'm dating a snake goddess who's way scarier than you!
Drew: You know, we could be inspiring myths right now.
Erik: Yes! I could be a constellation!
Sam: Yeah, the Big Mouth.
Drew: I was thinking the Big Dip.
GM: Wow. I was not expecting you to defeat the gorgon that easily.
Drew: She was having a bad hair day.
Erik: I have hair superiority.
The gorgon has been defeated and Juanita rescued. Now all that remains is to return to town and collect the reward.
Drew: You know, Erik, sooner or later you're going to have to tell her.
Juanita: Tell me what?
Michael: We now have a use for that compound in Texas.
Juanita and Erik are arguing. Unfortunately, the group is on a very small boat.
Drew: Look! A dolphin!
Sam: Help me with this yardarm.
Michael: I don't think Juanita needs any help with Erik's yardarm.
Earlier, Drew had a very bad experience with the local transportation.
King: We will slaughter a camel in your honor!
Drew: That one.
The heroes finally return the 20th century, their bodies reverting to the form they had when they left.
Drew: I'm clean-shaven!
Erik: I'm not.
Tori: I'm clean!
Erik: I'm not.
It may be the first ever comic book convention in Solomon, but there are some towns in which it's just not a good idea to camp out overnight so you can get in first.
Random Comic Book Geek: Hey! Why's everybody but me dressed in vampire costumes?
Erik: Hey! Why didn't I think of this before? I could summon something to clean my room for me.
Drew: What? A Type V demon?
Sam: How about you start smaller. Say, with a brownie?
Erik summons brownies, and gets a pan of treats from the Sacred Grounds.
GM: Erik's last name is Sorensen, right?
Drew: At least until he marries Juanita.
Erik: Hey! I'm keeping my maiden name!
Tori: All lawyers are evil.
Erik: Kevin's mom isn't evil. She saved our bacon.
Drew & Joshua: Mmmmm... Bacon!
Sam: I can't believe I'm doing crowd control for Romulans and Klingons.
Joshua: It's a cross you have to bear.
Sam: I already have a cross! (Shows her necklace) Never without it.
Michael: Why do the vampire geeks like Sam so much?
Tori: It's the sexy villain thing.
Tori: (OOC re: Buffy and Spike) There was Klingon courtship involved.
Drew: Erik is the courtroom artist of the damned.
An certain under-appreciated writer from the Roseanne show: Wow! Two hot chicks in skimpy outfits, fighting. I can do something with this. (Rubs chin) I know! I'll put it in space!
Sam and Tori take a bow in their Xena and Gabbrielle costumes.
Comic book convention crowd: Stay bowed!
Drew: We are not the Emperor Palpatines you're looking for.
Sam throws a demon into a group of convention goers.
Drew: It's bowling for nerds.
A demon has drenched Tori in alcohol from the hotel bar.
Tori: I can't kill this demon. It feeds on anger. But I really need a shower.
Stan Lee: Here. (Gives her his hotel key) Use my room.
Drew: (Imitating Stan) I'll be right here signing autographs... for the next five minutes.
Our heroes need to kill the rage demon without any hostile intent.
Drew: Joshua, I'll give you $50 to kill this demon for us.
Joshua: Strictly business? No problem. Be right back.
Drew: Quick, everybody, how much cash do you have?
Vampire geek: I've got the X-men #1. I paid 5 cents for it when it first came out!
Joshua: It's a hellmouth. They don't card here.
Drew switches into Sam's body.
Drew: I feel so...
Joshua: Tall?
Drew: Manly.
Drew: We could totally do each other. I mean, impersonate each other, not do each other... Because that would be totally creepy. (Pause) Although kinda hot.
Sam: I'm not feeling you up. At least not right now.
Erik gives Juanita a magical necklace for Christmas.
Drew: What do you think's in it?
Joshua: Bottled essence of Texas.
Erik: It's like a nicotine patch for magic addition.
Drew: You can do it. Snakerette can help.
Tori: Juanita knows what's between Tori and Erik is not sexual.
Joshua: No, it's more of an ownership thing.
Drew: Cool, I'm a lesbian.
Hippie Vampire: Give peace a chance!
Tori: No.
GM: You get there about five minutes early since you're going hell for leather, as you always do.
Drew: Speaking of hell, you're riding your motorcycle into a church.
GM: I think there's a special layer of hell for people who do that.
Erik: You and Eval Keneval.
Joshua: I get to hang out with Keneval? Cool!
GM: He is Eval.
Joshua: I'm going to have to give a lot to the church to make up for this.
Drew: Fortunately, you can donate your motorcycle.
Joshua stabs a cultist in the groin.
Drew: My way of turning into a girl was a lot more fun.
Drew: It probably won't kill him, but he's not going to be too happy.
Joshua: Just wait 'til I get to his groin.
Drew, in Sam's body, has one of Sam's Slayer dreams.
Kate: You're not Sam.
Drew: No, I'm her boyfriend, Drew.
Kate: Well, this is awkward.
Joshua: I think we're pretty much through the tier one minions
Drew: Tier two minions—excuse me, can I stake your supervisor?
Melina: Without telling me what you know, what do you know?
Joshua: Mary Borden! I want to have a date with you!
Mary: Do you have a death wish?
Despite Mary's curse, Joshua still wants a date.
Mary: You are either very brave, or very stupid.
Drew: Can we vote?
GM: The key is not to think about her.
Drew: Joshua is very good at being on dates with women and not thinking about them.
Dr. Gersham: I'm trying to figure out how far we should stand back.
Drew: How do you feel about Cleveland?
Joshua: I think I'd rather die in the explosion.
Sam: We're going hunting. For ice mages, yeti, whatever.
Joshua: We're hunting wombats?
Drew: No, cold-bats.
Tori is doing research at the library.
Tori: We're looking for "Deities & Demigods," but the real version.
Joshua apparently missed the second part.
Tori: No, Joshua, those are tabletop game books.
Joshua: But look at the pictures!
Drew: Is Joshua looking for pictures of female demons?
Joshua: No. I've known too many female demons. They don't photograph well. They don't date well, either.
Meanwhile, in a hell-dimension, a group of female demons is comparing notes on Joshua.
Succubus: No, he doesn't photograph well.
Night Hag: He doesn't date well, either.
Sam: Look! Frozen vampires.
Drew: They should be on sticks.
Joshua: We can take care of that problem.
Joshua: I channel my inner Keaneau Reeves. "Whoa!"
Tori: This is our town!
Drew: I don't think the Thorton Wilder thing is working.
Tori: You missed the volcano.
Michael: Okay, who pissed you off?
Erik: There's a higher authority than you?
Central Park: Not so much a higher authority, but there are other authorities. (Looks at Tori.) Hi.
Watcher: You're bleeding.
Erik: Cool!
GM: It's a little early for dinner when you arrive at Tavern on the Green, but they are serving high tea.
Drew: This feels excessively Watcher-like.
Joshua: It's a band! The Vampires. (Makes fang symbol with his fingers.) They rock!
Vampire: Wow. Lesser of two evils. I'm not going to live this one down.
Michael charges into combat, while the rest of the group is still debating what to do.
Erik: We're fighting these folks? Okay. Michael, what's our motivation?
Drew: These Sneetches are totally going to come to life and kill everybody.
Erik: Don't be such a spoilsport. Do you want to win the ice sculpture contest or not?
Drew: I'm not saying we shouldn't make them. I'm just saying we should be prepared for when they come to life and kill everybody.
Erik: That is so disgusting. Good thing my fiance's not here.
Drew: It's almost making me hurl.
Erik: Yeah. Wait 'til I tell her.
Slayer Club has a bag of snow contaminated with ichor.
Drew: We'll write Erik's name on a piece of masking tape and put it in the freezer.
GM: It's a sort of ichory green.
Drew: The same color as the other bags in the freezer with Erik's name on them.
Rolling Stone Magazine: Moist's second album just didn't have the meteoric highs and soggy goodness of their first one.
Sam: (Dreamily) Drew dressed up as Han Solo once.
Kate: Eeeww! I so did not want to know that.
Sam: Aw, come on! Get a sense of humor.
Joshua: I'm going up.
Sam: Joshua's heading for the catwalk?
Joshua: I have a plan.
Drew: It's the same plan you always have—get high and shoot things.
Ada: The Sacred Grounds has been doing very well. Baring the occasional fight with the insurance company. Although, actually, that's one of our major sources of income.
Ada and Hartsdale are going to St. Hubert's collect one of Hartsdale's missing books from Drew.
Ada: It's mid-morning. They'll probably all be in class.
Hartsdale: All the better.
Joshua: No snow days in Massachusetts, so they have evil days.
Hartsdale: It's not even fun. You can't go out and play in the...
Drew: Evil.
Joshua: You're the goddess of war. Dogfighting demons is what you live for.
Tori: The goddess of war is in a Piper-freaking-Cub!
The goddess of war decides to set her Piper-freaking-Cub down on the Martense athletic field.
Joshua: Hey! You can't park that on campus!
Tori: Where's the nearest weapon? Besides me.
Marcy: Aren't you that pervy guy who used to work at Sacred Grounds?
Hartsdale: (Pause) Yes.
Joshua: All I've got on me are a couple of knives, a 9mm, and a .38. I'm practically unarmed.
Hartsdale and Ada walk into St. Hubert's looking for Drew and spot Joshua.
Hartsdale: Where's The Boyfriend?
Joshua: I'm not gay.
Hartsdale: You just keep telling yourself that.
Counting off the reasonably mundane members of the group—a pair of Watchers and Drew.
Michael: Tweed, tweed, dweeb.
Sam: Hey!
Michael: I figured he'd take it as less of an insult than if I called him "tweed," too.
Drew: He's right.
Joshua: Wong is driving.
Drew: On the wrong side of the road.
Joshua: He's still better than me.
Drew: That was never in question.
Erik: This is a religious experience for the Tori-ites. Any who survive will be Tori's chosen elite.
Tori: Don't worry, I've already spent five minutes working on the design of the medals.
Up until now, Tori has been leading the Tori-ites in putting on a clinic in gargoyle destruction, while Sam has been beaten up pretty badly. But then:
GM: Tori takes a wound and loses a couple more Tori-ites. Sam, however, is just a whirling dervish of destruction as she cuts her way through to Michael.
Drew: (Imitating Sam) It's my show, damn it!
In the end, four Tori-ites survive.
Joshua: You need to get them horses.
Kate's Watcher falls performing the gargoyle-banishing ritual.
Sam: I'm sorry you lost your Watcher. It's a mark of...
Joshua: Distinction?
Sam: I was going to say "sisterhood."
Erik: I'm willing to play Joseph for the Wyrm of the Apocalypse, but parent–teacher meetings are going to be a bitch!
Drew: The question is, do you really want Juanita giving birth in a Mexican hospital?
Erik: Well, if it eats the hospital staff, there are fewer complications that way.
The plans for Erik's bachelor party come together.
Joshua: We need a donkey and, what do you think—two or three tanks of helium?
Michael: Depends on the size of the donkey.
Joshua: But where are we going to get fifteen pairs of Lederhosen in Cancun?
At the bar in Cancun, Erik orders a mojito, Tori gets a drink with iced chocolate and rum, Michael enjoys a Mai Tai...
Michael: And a Shirley Temple for the Slayer.
On the beach, Erik is tempted by all the beautiful girls in bikinis.
Joshua: I will be noble enough, this once, to take the temptation for you.
Erik: Joshua is the Wilt Chamberlain of vampire hunters.
Joshua ends up in bed with two girls, with the usual result.
Drew: Wow. They must be on the synchronized slapping team.
Joshua: Us. Here. Now. We're screwed.
GM: The jaguar warrior will roll his dodge... and die.
GM: They're popcorn. They have no hit points.
Vampire: There's this vampire. Ex-special forces. Got turned in 'Nam back in the '60s. Calls himself The Ferryman. As in the River Styx.
Sam: Like Charon?
Vampire: Yeah. Story is he thought that sounded too much like a girl's name.
Sam: So he called himself the ferryman?
Erik: Cora's pretty much only into girls these days.
Drew: She used to like guys. Before she went out with Joshua.
Erik: She's probably not the only girl that's true for.
Joshua: Just doing my part for lesbians everywhere.
Joshua: What would be a deadly sin in the Church of Tori?
Michael: Paying full price.
Erik: Can Tori make holy water?
Michael: No, but she can do holy napalm.
Michael: So where are you going to go for Sam's bachelorette party?
Pause.
Drew and Erik: (Simultaneously) Blaire's!
Drew: We can make "I'm with the Bride" T-shirts for all the vampires.
Michael: With stakes attached.
Joshua: Phallic-shaped stakes. They'd be kind of rounded, but she's strong, she can still use them.
The guys go out to dinner the night before Erik's wedding.
Joshua: This is Erik's last supper.
Drew: Does that mean I have to sell him for thirty pieces of silver?
Joshua: If you think you can get that much.
Erik: We have a basement?!
Drew: That's where the laundry room is.
Erik: Oh! I've never been there.
Sam: I know this is going to be difficult for you to hear, Dad, but there's a guy who was in Viet Nam the same time you were. Called himself 'The Ferryman.' He was some kind of Special Forces, maybe a Green Beret, when he was alive. Now, he's a vampire, and he hunts demon-hunters. He shot me, and wired my car.
Mr. Kessler: He did what to your car?
Ada is getting blotto at Sam's bachelorette party.
Michael: Hartsdale is the designated Watcher tonight.
The Slayer bachelorette party at Blaire's.
Drew: We can throw a T-shirt into the crowd that says, "I survived the Slayer's bachelorette party."
Erik: One T-shirt.
Drew: Exactly.
Erik: (Holding Drew's wedding band) Join us! Join ussss, my preciousss!
Drew: So, what brings you two to Solomon this time?
Mr. Cole: Apparently, a wedding. Congratulations. How long has this been in the works?
Sam: About a month.
Mr. Tyler: Oh. (Whispers to Drew) It isn't urgent, is it?
Erik: No, that'd be me.
Mr. Cole and Mr. Tyler have finally come to claim their "magical weapon of mass destruction," a powerful time-magic artifact.
Drew: You're not going to blow up the world, are you?
Tyler: No, that was part of the negotiations.
Drew: So, what do you want it for?
Cole: Girlfriend trouble.
Joshua leaves the wedding reception early, with a cute girl.
Drew: That's my cousin!
Sam: Better than my cousin.
Michael: I know you don't want to kill Russell because he's human, but I'm faculty. I don't have that drawback.
Juanita: Don't you dare hurt Erik! That's my job!
Juanita: I am so going to kill you—later. My water just broke.
Joshua: How are we going to fight vampires in a hospital? We can't bring our weapons.
Sam: This is Tori in a hospital. There are scalpels.
Drew: I can do excellent things with a defibrillator.
Michael offers Juanita ice chips made from holy water.
Joshua: Mmm. Tastes like guilt.
Drew: Would a demon even want Joshua's soul? Oh, wait, his is probably particularly valuable—never used.
Joshua: Still in the shrink-wrap.
Tori: I'm going to bed.
Joshua: Together? (winks and walks off)
Tori slaps the air where Joshua just was.
Michael: Go ahead and dial 0, Tori. I dare you. Those rotary phones make such lovely sparks.
Joshua: What did Mr. Tyler intend to do with the time travel spell?
Drew: Something about girl trouble when he was younger.
Joshua: I can respect that.
Tori's WWII history final is a gimmee.
Tori: Must resist urge to correct the professor.
Joshua: No, you must resist the urge to correct Rommel's tactics.
Tori: I have a whole notebook for that. And one for why the Axis lost, and another for why the Allies should have won by 1940.
Drew: For her final exam, Tori's going to re-create WWII at 1/50th scale, using mice.
Joshua: The part of the Sudetenland will be played by Pittsfield.
Joshua: It's the end of school. There's plenty of time for hand grenades.
Sam's dream ends with a vertigo-inducing black void in the place where the next Slayer should have been.
Erik: At least you won't have that dream any more now!
Joshua: Way to see the glass half-full.
GM: Drew doesn't have a final exam today.
Joshua: This is Drew. He takes one anyhow.
The comic book heroine Wolvesbane appears at Greenfields cemetery.
Erik: Wait 'til Drew sees you! This is gonna make his entire...
Sam glares.
Erik: Awkward.
Karaoke Vamp: Thank you for coming. I'm sure you understand our precautions.
Sam: So your whole pack is here?
Karaoke Vamp: Yes, it is.
Sam: (Smiles) Good.
Sam: Immortal? Wait! What?
Erik is changing Drake's diaper.
Erik: Wow, potent spell components!
Erik spots a vampire lurking outside, but takes his sword instead of hammer when he goes out to fight it.
Erik: The baby is about to go down!
Erik: I like cutting attacks. They're so satisfying.
Drew: That's why your main weapon is a hammer.
Erik: I don't do thrusting. It's too dainty. (Pause) Or maybe I do thrust, but it's not dainty.
Aimee and her minions show up.
Joshua: Vampire Papparazzi!
Drew: (Imitating one of Aimee's minions) I'm a loser I don't get invited to the really cool parties!
GM: There are a bunch of vampires feasting on the smokers outside the party.
Erik: It's a new Smoking Kills campaign.
Marcy goes to water and pours onto the party floor.
Michael: She'll have to pour herself thru a Britta filter a few times.
Joshua: No, we killed Britta years ago.
Joshua: You don't parry a grapple.
Drew: You do if you have a big enough ham.
Drew drops a hand grenade down the stairs to clear out any vampires at the bottom. Unfortunately, this causes the stairs to collapse.
Drew: I'll jump down.
GM: You don't know how deep it is.
Eric: I'll jump down.
Drew: She's my sister and I've got a missile!
Drew: Alas, Buick is not my best combat skill.
Drew: On warm summer nights, we use Tori as a bug zapper.
Joshua: C'mon! All the cool kids are doing it!
Michael: Not me.
Joshua: You haven't been a kid for a couple thousand years now.
Joshua: We're looking for vampires in the dark, but we have light-amp goggles we took from the W&H goons.
GM: You smell them before you see them. And hear Inagodadavida. The extended version.
Joshua: Don't run! You'll only be tired when we kill you!
Sam: I need to grapple Drew to pick him up off the floor? I don't think he resists.
GM: No, he never does.
Joshua pokes a vampire's eye out, and it runs away... right into a wall.
Joshua: Don't run! You don't have any depth percep... Ooh! That's gotta hurt!
In the fight, Joshua loses a shoe.
Joshua: I'm dropping. I'm beheading. I will retrieve my footwear.
Tori: And I thought I was the one obsessed with shoes.
Joshua: Sam, don't kill the last vampire! We need to ask him some questions!
Sam: Ask him now!