Erik: Do they have secret societies?
Drew: If you knew about them, they wouldn't stay secret for long.
The JAs explain dorm policies.
Yvette: No noise after midnight. That means no loud music, no building of lofts (glares meaningfully at Erik and Drew), and any parties still going on have to keep it down.
Erik: Does that include screaming?
(Everybody looks at Erik oddly.)
Erik: My girlfriend's kind of loud.
(Shocked silence all around.)
Drew: Last I heard, your girlfriend was in a convent.
Erik: I have these gloves. I wanted to make them Gauntlets of Ogre Power, but they turned out just Gauntlets of Really Big Football Player Power.
Tori: My roommate is mystical, too.
Erik: How mystical? Knows a couple spells mystical? Or off-the-charts radioactive like you and Sam?
People with psychometric powers should not go around picking up copies of the Necronomicon.
Drew: I'm never eating squid again.
Milling around outside the dorm during a fire alarm, Erik is confronted by Jenny in her sleepwear.
Erik: Focus on the hammer... Wait, not like that!
Drew: I need to see your Flipper.
Sam: What? Oh, my yearbook.
Erik: Michael's teaching 203? It's bad when your history professor can kick your ass.
Drew: Not all our asses.
Erik: True, but he and Sam have never gone full-out mano-a-mano.
Michael: Yes, we have—but only in her dreams.
Erik: If you're time traveling and don't know where you're going, what do you pack?
Drew: A towel.
Drew: What if he comes back with Napoleon?
Erik: Well, that'll make Tori happy.
GM: There's a ritual circle inscribed with runes and with a still-smoking brassiere in the middle.
Erik: That's interesting...
Sam: Wait, you mean a brazier?
GM: Whatever. You know what I meant.
Erik: Hey, it's college, it could have been.
Erik: Where were you in the 1790s?
Michael: Has Drew gotten you into another Trivial Pursuit game?
Tori: We can't go time traveling. We don't have anything to wear!
Erik is hung-over.
Michael: Have some Advil.
Dr. Gersham: No, no, no. Schnapps!
Dr. Gersham: Of course, they were French vampires. Note the reflex to surrender.
Michael: You already have an opportunity to become immortal, if you ever want it, Erik.
Erik: I'll take the Kaballah over Faerie cabana-boy.
Michael: Today we're going to discuss whether or not there is objective evil.
Drew: A scientist turned into a vampire would be objective evil.
Joshua plans to clean out Blaire's back room at kitten poker.
Erik: It's KLF—the Kitten Liberation Front!
Joshua: Be free my feline brothers!
Director Wilson: We're going to have to go through all your dorm rooms. Mr. Archer, you may consider this five minutes of amnesty against anything we might find.
Joshua: I have amnesty? Great!
Five minutes later.
Erik: Joshua, how'd you get a llama in here?
Joshua: I only had five minutes!
Drew: Time to revoke their Chamber of Commerce membership.
Joshua: I thought we were going to burn the place down and sow the earth with salt.
Drew: In Solomon, same diff.
Erik: Mummies and fire, that's like skeletons and hammers!
A trap covers Tori in fire-retardant foam.
Tori: At least I wasn't wearing anything expensive.
Demon: What do you think I am, immortal? Hah!
Tori: Around here, who knows?
Drew: I think Pandora can handle herself.
Erik: (falsetto) Yeah, we're not worried about Pandora.
GM: You see six coffins. Three of the lids begin to open.
Dr. Gersham: Tori, I think we've found the place for you to flamestrike.
GM: Professor, Doctor, are you bringing dates?
Dr. Gersham: Not each other.
GM: This is a small New England liberal arts college, so that would be acceptable.
Dr. Gersham: Given the era we grew up in, that would not be appropriate.
GM: Given the era you grew up in, you should have harems.
Michael: Do you know what the upkeep on one of those is?
GM: The head of the religion department is attractive, can dance well, and tonight, rather than her usual frumpy tweed suits, she's wearing a lovely silk Chinese dress, slit way up the thigh.
Dr. Gersham: I see. Ahem. Michael, you deal with the magic tonight.
Ada gets stupendously drunk and complains about her insurance company's refusal of coverage for acts of God, like when Tori's minions trashed the Sacred Grounds.
Tori: That wasn't an act of God. It was an act against a god. Get it right.
Valerus: Magic affects you two differently than most mages. (To Tori) It swirls through you, and seems to take on a red color as it does. Intriguing. (To Sam) Magic doesn't swirl around you at all. It seems to go into you, and just... stop. You two are definitely not like the other students here.
Sam: That's right. We're locals.
Joshua: I use Erik's belt-knife to stick a note to his headboard: "For God's sake, do some laundry!"
Joshua jumps out of the bathroom into a line of ninjas.
Joshua: Bring it on, I have a loofah!
Sam: You'd think professional ninjas would have their own uniforms.
Joshua: So what we have here are semi-pro ninjas?
Joshua: Ninjas burn, you know, Tori
Tori: I grab Erik by the arm.
GM: (To Alternate Erik) She's a lot stronger than you think she should be.
Drew: I grab his other arm.
GM: He's not.
Tori: I know I'm not like the Tori Clark that you know.
Alternate Erik: Yeah, no kidding! You're talking to me!
Alternate Erik: If Sam and Tori are superheroes, what are their powers?
Drew: Well, Sam's sort of like Spiderman, without the spider-specific stuff. But she's got the strength and agility and rapid healing, and kinda the spider-sense.
Alternate Erik: Cool!
Tori: I'm like Pyro.
Alternate Erik stares at her.
Tori: You know, the villian? That's what my powers are like.
Alternate Erik continues to stare at her.
Tori: I'm just trying to explain it in terms you'll understand.
Drew: I don't think he's gotten past the part where you're talking to him yet.
Alternate Erik: No, I haven't.
Joshua: I don't carry a key to my own dorm room. Why would I want yours?
Joshua: You throw like a girl.
Drew: Not like the girls around here.
Dr. Gersham: Professor Throckmorton, shut up!
GM: He has tenure, you don't.
Dr. Gersham: And sit down.
Erik: I've been researching rituals involving turkeys. I got this book from the Martense library. (Holds up cookbook.)
Drew: Erik, we're on the phone.
Erik has an unusual take on preparing Thanksgiving dinner.
Erik: I've been consulting the Julia Child Grimoire.
Erik: How do you prepare a zombie turkey?
Drew: Stuff it with brains.
Drew: When the zombie turkeys attack, remember, Tori—it's 375°, for one hour per pound.
Erik: We'll meet at the Sacred Grounds tomorrow morning at 6:30. I'm hoping these turkey-jackers aren't morning people.
Drew and Tori: (Simultaneously) I'm not morning people!
GM: As Tori's fire rips through the flock, you swear you see the turkeys do a stop-drop-and-roll.
Drew: They're smarter than vampires!
Sam: I have holy water.
Drew: I think we need holy gravy.
GM: You see a bunch of police cars speed by, sirens blaring, heading in the direction of Martense.
Sam: Something must be going on on campus.
Drew: Or there could be something really bad going on the other way.
Drew: They might not have been trying to create a hive mind. Maybe they were just trying to network them all and it reached some sort of critical mass and woke up. Sort of like Neuromancer, with turkeys.
GM: There are a bunch of big guys dressed all in black rifling through the brew pub.
Erik: Crap! Ninjas!
Drew: These are big, German dudes, not teenage girls. Much less dangerous.
Sam: Drew, go back to your room and get some rest. If you stay here with me, you know you won't get any sleep.
Erik: Okay, time for us to go.
Sam: Not like that! Guard duty? Have to stay up. I mean awake? Geez!
Erik: No other Minutiae team has to deal with this kind of stuff.
Drew: We don't know that.
Cut to: Another team of Martense students, fending off zombies who are trying to get into their dorm room.
Cut to: Another team, this one of zombies, who are fending off a group of adventurers trying to get into their room.
A Nazi prisoner commits suicide before Slayer Club can interrogate him.
Sam: We've still got the body. We might be able to contact his spirit.
Drew: Remember the last time we tried that? We brought him back from the dead, so he could interrogate us.
Drew: Springtime for Hitler, good. Winter for Hitler, not so much.
Jennifer: But why did the Nazis torch Blaire's bar?
Erik and Drew: (Simultaneously) Lawful evil vs. chaotic evil. They hate each other as much as they hate us.
Somebody's dice just aren't with them tonight.
Erik: Come on, c'mon, big money, big money... F***!
Sam: We're shrinking!
Erik: Are we shedding goo?
Erik: Fafrd and the Grey Mouser always shed goo when they shrink.
Drew and Erik grow back to their normal size in a very confined space, ending up tangled up on the front seat of Drew's car.
Drew: This would be a lot more fun if you were Sam.
GM: Tori's mom isn't a very good cook.
Drew: Neither is Tori.
Joshua She can burn things.
Michael: And flambe.
Dr. Gersham: Golems don't shed. They're hypoallergenic.
Michael: When you get back to 1581 in London, make sure you go to the Globe Theater. There'll be a new playwright, named William Shakespeare. You'll want to see the original productions.
Drew: What's the point? He doesn't speak Klingon.
Drew: Did we call you too late?
Michael: No, I was just practicing snoring.
Michael "borrows" some of Drew's clothing for Donovan.
Joshua: Drew has now been pantsed from a distance. It's tele-pantsing.
Tori: I hope he never needs a bra.
Michael: Donovan's in the shower. Enjoying indoor plumbing with hot water for the first time.
Dr. Gersham: Ah, yes. I remember that well.
Drew: Maybe I shouldn't have just told her that.
GM: Drew's got a little Erik-disease.
Joshua is cleaning out the regulars at Blaire's at kitten poker. Again.
Drew: It's Joshua's secret plan to take over the world with kittens.
Joshua: Mmmm... Freeze-dried borscht.
Tori: Who made Drew so smart all of a sudden?
Drew: All of a sudden? Hello!? Valedictorian!
Erik has been transformed into an exact duplicate of Juanita.
Erik: It's kind of embarrassing, but I'm Erik.
Joshua: And I'm Spartacus!
Drew: Why would you give Erik a gun?
Joshua: (Whispering) Because I still have the bullets.
GM: You like the fire, Tori. It's what you're supposed to be.
Drew: And I'm supposed to get rained on?
Joshua: The truth hurts. I'm supposed to be Magneto, Erik's supposed to be Lothario, and you're supposed to be...
GM: You wake up. You're not in your room any more.
Erik: Oh no. Am I in Sweden?
GM: You hear the echo of water dripping somewhere.
Joshua: That would be Drew.
Joshua: I'm going to the Sacred Grounds. If I'm going to have metal objects flying at me, I want to be some place with lots of insurance.
Tori: Erik's a pure enchanter, he's useless without his tools.
Joshua: Is that true, Erik? Are you useless without your tools?
Drew: Ask Juanita.
Erik: Shall I add wood for your flaming powers?
Joshua: Form of mineral water! Shape of ice bucket!
GM: Drew is frozen in an ice waterfall.
Erik: He's been encased in carbonite. He should be fine if he survived the freezing process.
Erik: I've got wood.
Sam: Not any more.
Joshua: We've got team Parrier guarding one door and on the other, team wood.
Drew: Team hot wood.
Erik: And conducting the funeral, the stoners.
Sam: You could be a paladin.
Drew: I don't have any armor.
Erik: When I was 14, I had my own chainmail. I think that will fit you.
Joe: We were doing the dragon in the laundry room. It should still be in there; I don't think it'll fit through the door.
Erik: There's a dragon!
Michael: African or European?
Erik: So, what's the ecology of a closet-lizard?
Drew: Erik was outwitted by hobgoblins.
Erik: So, what else is new?
GM: You guys just did 394 points of damage to the dragon in the first round.
Erik: Wow. I think that's the most damage we've ever done in one round in this game.
GM: I think you're right. Congratulations, you made it mad.
Erik: Twenty-two to hit the dragon. Through the heart.
GM: Okay, you hit. But where you're standing, you can't really reach the heart, so it's more like through the colon.
Drew: You're way cooler than Magnus now. He's just the dragon-keeper. You're the dragon-slayer.
GM: Tori's fire scatters the monkeys.
Drew: And to think, after they gave you your theme song.
Tori smacks Drew upside the head.
Erik: Drew is getting beaten up by a monkey.
Joshua: It's better than getting beat up by a 10-year old girl.
Drew: Yeah, but nobody knows about that! And besides, she was 13.
Drew: Tori's tax exempt. She's a religion.
Erik: Joshua's moodier than a girl.
Drew: You should know.
Juanita, passing by, smacks Erik upside the head just because.
Michael: First Erik, now Magnus. It's like you're collecting blondes.
Tiffany's wish appears to be a crowd of people, compelled to listen to her every word.
Erik: Watch out for Tiffany on the Mount.
Drew: Sure, people say you're gullible, but you don't really believe that, do you?
Robert: Is that the 'Pants-someone' spell you told me about?
Tori: What was the name of that restaurant? China Gate, Hunan Gate...?
Drew: Hu-man Gate.
Tori: I was hoping we'd finally have good Chinese food in Solomon. But it looks like we've got evil Chinese food instead.
Michael: Check please! (Decapitates three Tcho-Tcho demons) I guess that means no tip?
GM: He's a scary old man who smells like peas.
GM: The Tcho-Tchos are slowing you down.
Tori: So, they're basically speed bumps?
GM: The vampire is burning, but not dead yet.
Robert: We just have to put some wood on him.
Sam's dog turns out to have been a Chinese warrior disguised in animal form.
Drew: Oh, God. We never made out in front of the dog, did we?
GM: How are you going to pay for your plane ticket, Sam?
Erik: You can put it on credit. After all, you're not going to live very long.
Drew: We'll know it's Wolfram & Hart when someone tries to kill me.
Erik: Oh, great!
Drew: You don't have to sound quite so eager.
Erik: You've got your own bottomless pit.
Drew: Cool! I can make a fortune as a nuclear waste dump!
Drew: What do you even do as a disembodied head stuck in a box for all eternity?
Erik: Watch TV?
Drew: How? I wouldn't know how to give a head cable.
Drew: Gee! You're face, it's so weird. I've never seen anything like that before! (Stakes the vamp) April Fools!
Michael: Tori, listen! Your defenses are breached. Your drawbridge is down, your courtyard overrun, your keep is in flames. (sighs) What am I doing? Antagonizing the goddess of war? Well, it's safer than angering the Slayer. Oh, and that mug clashes with your outfit.
Tori: (Punches Michael in the jaw) That's for the mug!
Drew: Magnus has to come with us. He and the Northern Trio have to have some kind of Norse-off.
Michael leaps after the bad guys, swinging his sword wildly.
Drew: I thought you said we should negotiate with them.
Michael: I am negotiating!
Erik: Now, they've pissed off Juanita.
Drew: And now, they're going to die.
Erik has been rendered invulnerable by Jonathan, then bitten by a vampire.
Erik: Ow! Ow, my neck! April Fool!
Tori: Erik needs a house elf.
Tori: They have at least one girl drooling over them who doesn't even like guys.
Drew: At least, not after Joshua.
Tori: Should we lead the FBI to Blaire's? No. It's daylight.
Ada arrives on the scene, crashing a Yugo with defective breaks into the front of the motel.
Drew: Is Ada a Yugo girl now?
Pandora enthuses over the prospect of attacking a building full of FBI agents.
Pandora: This is going to be great!
Drew: For certain values of 'great.'
Erik: Let's do a drive-by of the Orchards.
Drew & Sam: Not that kind of drive-by.
Joshua, pouting, puts away his guns
Erik: Staking out the Orchards. We need donuts.
Tori: I'm in Erik's bed, so this must be an alternate reality.
Tori: So, you're saying is, this reality... bites?
Joshua: I was going to say it sucks, but yeah.
GM: I almost feel bad making Erik Gwen's girlfriend. Almost.
Tori: You do realize what you just said?
Tori: Her girlfriend?
Erik: It's basically true, though.
Britta: They'll be ready for an attack. (Evil grin.) But they won't be ready for us.
Erik: Yeah. Plotting to kill the Slayer, that always goes so well.
Erik: It'd be dangerous to sleep around on a vampire.
Erik: Maybe Tori's faking it. I can't see Sam faking it.
Joshua: This conversation's going to an uncomfortable place.
Erik describes his reaction to learning he's sleeping with a vampire in this universe.
Erik: I'm uncomfortable. And only slightly titillated.
Drew: We've still got our credit cards. There's Reich Express, Visa, and MasterRace Card.
Joshua: Reich Express: You will not leave home without it. Vee haf vays of making you pay.
Erik: I don't wanna be a vampire cabana-boy!
Sadly, you can't always get what you want.
Tori: You know Erik's not my type. You're what, A-negative?
Erik: Tori has attributes she didn't have before.