Alan: I do stuff for money
Clarisa: Funnel cake is loosed on the land!
Michael has taken the form of Gwen Drake.
Drew: Our Djinni is cross-dressing.
Joshua: He's out of the bottle.
Tori: Don't say that thing's name. Even I know that. See! I'm learning... sort of.
Joshua: I can just see the T-shirts. Tori European Tour. And then on the back: London, Paris, Milan, Milan, Milan, Milan...
Drew: He was using the dead guy's credit cards...
Drew and Joshua: (Simultaneously) ...that's why he didn't care that we raided the hotel mini-bar!
Stephie: I don't want to say too much. We are rivals, after all.
Drew: We're not rivals. We're minions of rivals.
Drew is trying to decipher a message written in the demon language Nkonka using the dictionary from a travel guide for demons visiting Phoenicia and Phoenician/Greek and Greek/English dictionaries. It's something about ransoms and territorial concessions, but it's all a little confusing.
Drew: The good news is that they seem willing to give Tori back. But I think we have to cede them the Gaza Strip.
Tori impales a demon by throwing one of her high heeled shoes at it.
Joshua: Give that woman some footwear, and she's dangerous!
Tori: I warned you. I'm not playing any more.
On riding a pterodactyl:
Joshua: It can't be any harder than driving a car.
Erik pulls his Jeep alongside a carload of cultists. A cultist leans out the window and shoots out his tires. Meanwhile, Juanita leans out the Jeep's window and shoots out the cultists' tires.
Drew: This is like 18th-century naval warfare.
The Watcher team sent to administer Sam's 18th birthday test aren't exactly prepared for the situation they find in Solomon.
Mr. Jenkins: You're a teenager! Where did you get a hand grenade?
Drew: From the Mafia.
Two other Watchers are transporting the vampire to be used in Sam's test.
Joshua: (Steps out of the shadows next to one of the Watchers and holds a gun to his head.) Need a hand with that?
Kirshner: I hate America.
Joshua: What's in the crate?
Kirshner: You don't want to know.
Joshua: It sounded like a vampire.
Kirshner: I hate America.
Joshua: Jeez, Erik, could you be any less subtle? No, wait! I bet you could.
While demons were teleporting into his living room and trashing the place, Kevin was upstairs having his own "coming of age ceremony" with his girlfriend.
Kevin: (Looking around and surveying the damage) Did we do that?
Kevin's post-ceremony attire consists of a red bathrobe and pink bunny slippers.
Tori: Kevin's actually wearing color!
Sam: (To Kevin) You get a much better birthday present than I do.
Kevin: I'm going back upstairs to get dressed, wipe the lipstick off my face...
Drew: ...and put his own lipstick back on.
Faith: Aren't you a little young to be breaking into bars?
Joshua: I grew up in Jersey.
Tori: I don't go to church.
Drew: Unless it's her own.
Some people are amused by Joshua and Faith spending the night together...
Michael: (Singing) Faith! Faith! I gotta have Faith!
...and others, not so much.
Joshua: You aren't going to kill me, are you?
Tori glares at him.
Joshua: I don't like that you have to think about this.
Joshua: Does the fact that you just slapped me mean that we're dating now?
And yet, stunningly, he was not incinerated immediately thereafter.
Out of character and anachronistic, but funny:
Faith: I'll be seeing you in the future.
Joshua: I'll be a bit older.
Faith: That's okay. I usually like it that way.
Joshua: Do you want me to make it easy or hard for you to find me in the future?
Faith: I'll leave that up to you.
Drew: I'm thinking prison guard might be a good occupational choice.
Tori: It was a nice hell... for someone who's immune to fire... I kinda liked it.
Jezebel and her mother have been up all night cooking.
GM: Thanksgiving morning, Tori wakes up to a wonderful smell coming from her kitchen.
Drew: Mmmm... fire extinguisher foam.
Drew: You want to call the cops? What are they going to do?
Joshua: Stop bullets that would otherwise hit useful people.
Gymnastics Announcer: And a perfect 10.0 for Joshua Archer on the floor.
Drew: Apparently he did learn something from Faith, after all.
Tabitha Archer: (Gushing) I just love giving interviews!
Drew: (Mimicking her high-pitched voice) Plus, I've been on amphetamines for the last twenty years!
Andrea: Why are you asking me all these questions about who's evil and who's not, anyway?
Erik: Well, we're trying to stop this evil ritual and we need to figure out who's behind it.
Andrea: Oh, so it's not some kind of yearbook thing?
Tori: There are these three demons that are following me around, and all they want to do is kill things.
Joshua: Like some kind of homicidal puppy.
Tori: The demons can't stay at my place, my mom would freak!
Joshua: No, your mom would date them.
Joshua: If Tori wants a university, she'll conquer it.
Demon Priest: Of course, we would give a percentage of our income to the Incarnation of War.
Joshua: It's the Tori Tithe, otherwise known as the shopping tax.
Taking Tori's demon followers shopping can be risky.
Joshua: Are they going to Sax Fifth Avenue, or to sack fifth avenue?
Tori: I don't want to conquer the world.
Joshua: At least conquer New Jersey.
Drew: Now we know what you can get Joshua for Christmas.
Michael: That lithograph shop you took me to in Manhattan...
Drew: The comic book store.
Joshua: I'm made of top-quality marble. Do you know how much I'm worth?
Drew: Go fence yourself.
The problem with giving Tori an amulet that will summon spirits to aid the wearer in combat:
Battle Spirit: Actually, we were thinking that we should be summoning you.
Drew is showing the new foreign student around school.
Drew: You seemed to like Tori pretty well..
Mangus: Ah, Tori. She is...is this how you say it? Hot?
Drew: You have no idea.
Everybody's getting into the act of researching the giant spectral dog that's attacking Marcy and friends.
Joshua: Wow. Tori's doing research. Here, try this one: See Spot. See Spot...
Drew and Joshua: (Together) Maul, Spot! Maul!
Sam: We're busy doing research here. Go be perky somewhere else.
Joshua: In other words, perk off!
Drew: You know, research—it's that thing that some people have minions to do for them.
Sam runs over a demon with Marcy's beloved BMW, then crashes it into the display room of a hoity-toity demon-run auction house amidst a hail of automatic weapons fire.
Joshua: Well, so much for that car.
Drew: They could probably make a fortune auctioning it off as art.
Joshua: The car symbolizes the power and refinement of the modern world, while the bullet holes symbolize it's fragility.
Drew: And the green goo on the undercarriage symbolizes the underlying corruption of society.
Thorsten is not pleased to find that the Barrows residence, where he's been staying, has been set afire.
Thorsten: This is my home now, too. Bah! Why couldn't I have been raised by people everybody doesn't hate?
Pandaora: There's more of them coming.
Joshua: Can you do your sleep spell on them again?
Pandora: I guess. I'm getting a little tired, but it shouldn't be a problem.
Joshua: That's okay. We'll do it my way this time.
Joshua jumps through the dooorway, hits one goon in the face with a fire extinguiser and kicks the other in the groin.
Pandora: (Winces) Your way's ouchy!
For some reason, people get nervous when Slayer Club shows up at the Orchards.
Drew: What's the bartender wearing?
Joshua: A Kevlar tuxedo.
Tori shoots one of Mr. Barrow's demons four times in the heart.
Tori: I told you: Don't shoot my friends!
At the culmination of a very, very bad day, Drew kills Mr. Barrows with Slayer Club's last hand grenade, then empties a pair of semi-automatic pistols into his head for good measure.
Joshua: Drew, you are the wind beneath my wings.
Drew: I don't think I can take on Tori's mother. I'm out of hand grenades.
Erik: I'm waxing Juanita's board.
Drew: I'm sure you are, but we don't need to know about that.
Erik: So, they acquired these things by... less than ethical means.
Drew: Well, we get all of our books that way.
Tori: Those were spoils of war.
Erik: She knows about these things. She's the Goddess of War. And she's spoiled, too.
Tori swats Erik on the head.
GM: The lock on the steamer trunk is way too complicated for any of you to pick and there's no sign of a key. How do you plan on opening it?
Drew: We have axes, we have the Slayer, and we have nothing better to do.
Pandora: How are we going to find Sam? If she's a bird, she could be anywhere. How will we even know which bird she is?
Drew: She'll come to us. She's been checking in pretty regularly. She flies up, and sits on my shoulder, and cheeps in my ear, and I scratch her breast feathers... and that is so not as dirty as it sounds.
Joshua: There's a guy from the government here. He's got pictures of us in situations that will be... difficult to explain.
Tori: Are they flattering?
Tori: Oh, you know me. I can pick up anything.
Weapons. She was talking about weapons.
Drew: Remember, Tori, it's a felony to tamper with lavatory smoke detectors.
Drew: Every time we go after Russell or his father, we end up pants-ing someone.
Russell: Help, let me out of here!
Drew: It's me, Russell. If I let you out, it'll be to kill you.
Russell: Never mind.
Joshua: Followers of Venus are great at parties.
Drew: Yeah. Followers of Uranus never get invited anywhere, though.
Joshua: Does that mean that followers of Pluto have big, floppy ears?
Erik: We're up with Slayers!
Jezebel: Callie, if you play Journey one more time, I will sacrifice you to the Lords of Hell.
Michael: Does this make Tori's dad a Godfather?
Joshua: What's Tori's father up to?
Drew: Well, we think he sold his soul.
Joshua: Lawyer, duh!
Michael: Are we sure they're evil?
Drew: Hello? They were trying to sacrifice the captain of the football team.
Joshua: Well, after last season, can you blame them?
Jezebel: Pandora, this is Sunday. Teachers are nobody on Sunday!
Joshua: Turns out our principal and a bunch of the teachers belong to a cult.
Tabitha Archer: So, you have a cult problem in your school. Do you think they'll have an assembly?
A vampire comes after Sam with a chainsaw.
Sam: Too bad Tori isn't here. She's gonna be pissed when I tell her you stole her schtick.
Joshua: You still haven't chosen a college? Oh, I get it. Waiting for counter-offers? See if they'll throw in a co-ed or two?
Long, uncomfortable silence.
Drew explains why he's leaning toward going to CalTech.
Drew: It would be like living Real Genious. Without the creepy professor building an orbital death ray. Although that would be cool. We could use an orbital death ray.
Drew: I could use some bodyguards for the evening.
Jeremiah: We are not yours to command.
Drew: That's okay, I'll get a note from your mom.
Drew: Melina; the one thing this day was missing.
Joshua: It's a Lipton Mummy—just add water.
Erik: Voodoo. I know that. I date that.
Michael explains his relationship with the founder of ancient Egypt.
Pandora: You knew her? In the Biblical sense?
Drew: Actually, it was more the pre-Biblical sense.
Joshua: It's not delivery. It's destruction.
Drew: Standard D&D procedure means that the mage gets raised. I don't want to be raised.
Joshua: Don't worry. We have a god.
Tori: I'm not the right kind of god.
The local soda bottling plant has rather impressive security.
Joshua: It's Stalag Soda Factory.
Pandora: You can come with us, Marcy. I'll bring a bucket.
The cultists finish their ritual and the mummy comes to life...but it turns out to be Tori, dressed in mummy wrappings!
Tori: Didn't anyone ever tell you not to trust geeks bearing gifts?
Erik demonstrates the star-metal throwing ring he made for Sam.
Erik: I haven't tried it myself. I don't have Slayer reflexes. For you, it should be fine. For anyone else, it's like...
Joshua: The frisbee of self-decapitation.
Drew: It's Prom night. Evil has a date.
Tori: Getting ready for Prom is easy for you. All you have to do is rent a tux.
Drew: I bought mine, actually. A used tux isn't that much more expensive than renting one.
Tori: Expecting another opportunity to wear one?
Drew: Expecting it to be shredded by demons.
Joshua: Tori's Secret: asbestos underwear. Sexy fashion and R-factor all in one.
Drew is shocked to find that he and Sam are King and Queen of the Prom.
Drew: You don't think someone's going to drop a bucket of blood on us, do you?
Tori learns that her minions have defected to Baal.
Tori: I wanted to play chess with him. But not like this!
Jeremiah, disloyal bard of Tori, dies on stage. Literally.
Michael: The critics have spoken.
Drew: Is a thrown minion a holy weapon?
Mitch: You know who I work for. Don't even bother trying to interrogate me.
Joshua: Why? Because what he'll do to you is worse than anything we can do?
Mitch: Exactly. Why would I tell you anything?
Joshua: Because, if you don't, we'll let you go unharmed and tell him that you answered all our questions.
Okay, maybe Tori has rubbed off on her followers a little...
Random Follower of Mars: He must speak the truth! Lenth is wearing a beret!
Jezebel: We tried the 'alternate dimension vacation' idea. Pylea's not all it's cracked up to be.
GM: A Catholic, a Jew, and a Tori-ite go into a bar...
Drew: It's great that we're being all friendly and everything. You're the second nicest war god we've ever met. But none of that changes the fact that we still want your Orbs... the Orbs that you have... I'll just be quiet now.