Joshua's been shot by a vampire packing heat.
Joshua: You could drag me out of the line of fire.
Kevin: You're from Jersey, you can crawl.
The gunfire is freaking Hartsdale out.
Kevin: Uh oh. The tweed is standing on end.
Michael bashes a vamp over the head with a mall information sign.
Michael: You look lost. You are here!
Erik: Come on Kevin, save my ass.
Joshua: I don't think Mr. Clark was going to introduce the "possessed by demons" defense in court.
Drew: But possession is nine-tenths of the law.
Michael: I've got to get in touch with myself.
Vampire Tori: Can we keep the cute one? Blackwolf's got her frat boys, you've got Drew. I want a boy to play with, too.
Vampire Sam: You can always join me and Drew sometime. I'm sure he won't mind.
Vampire Tori: I don't share.
Michael: We're conducting the entire conversation in Ancient Aramaic.
Joshua: Does Ancient Aramaic have a word for 'trans-dimensional portal'?
Michael: Of course.
GM: You know what they say about Eskimos and snow?
Vampire Tori: I'm getting hungry.
Vampire Sam: Okay, we'll find an intern.
Vampire Tori: Two interns. I don't share.
Joshua: I'll confront him at the office. It's an alternate universe, he won't care.
After completing a difficult spell, vamp Sam has blood running down her face.
Drew: Are you okay? Never mind, that's a really stupid question. Do you want a towel?
Drew has just been beaten up by a freshman girl from St. Germain's.
Hartsdale: You know someone's not going to be pissing off the writers anymore.
The weather for the RenFaire.
GM: It's 58, partly-cloudy, with occasional drizzle.
Hartsdale: Ah, just like home.
Tattoo Artist: Since you're into that Norse stuff, you'll like this one I did. It's the frost giants getting ready for the battle of Ragnarok.
Erik: Yeah, I recognize it from the Fiend Folio.
Kevin: Ah, the workings of the Watcher mind... I must bathe now.
Erik: Roughing up the Russian mobsters is probably preferable to selling our souls.
Drew: Probably?
A spell is having an aphrodisiac effect on the school dance.
Kevin: Something's rearranging the ley lines around the school.
Drew: I think there's a lay line forming in front of the janitor's closet.
That spell has Joshua dancing with both Cora and Juanita.
Kevin: Maybe someone should pull the fire alarm.
Drew: Sounds like a job for Joshua.
Joshua: Sorry, my hands are full.
The sprinkler is eventually pulled and does its job.
Erik: I'm... wet.
Joshua: She's using Jedi mind tricks on him.
Drew: We're not the caterers you're looking for.
Drew: Hey Lardo! Have some pie!
Followed by hitting a vampire in the face with a cream pie.
Joshua: It's the day of the dead - the staff will cook again!
The perils of eating at the St. Germain's Harvest Festival.
Drew: It's scaly chicken!
Joshua: What's that?
Drew: I don't know, but it's from Europe and it's on a stick, so it has to be good. Try some! (He belches smokily)
Tori: (To Sam) I don't think you want to kiss Drew tonight.
Erik's experiments with rune magic aren't entirely successful.
Joshua: Didn't you used to have eyebrows?
Drew: We're letting the girls do the talking.
GM: Actually, Juanita's hanging back from the conversation, too.
Joshua: We're letting the pretty girls do the talking.
Drew: Time to apply some theology!
Sam's comment as she stabs Bathory.
Sam: Ildiko wants her blood back.
GM: The insurance company actually honored the claim for those mugs that were destroyed when Erik created the magical vortex in the kitchen.
Erik: It wasn't an act of God?
GM: No, you're not God.
Kevin: Qualify that: You're not God yet.
Drew: That's a sixth season plot.
Anne: Do you know how difficult it is to get coffee out of a blouse like this?
Erik: (Mischievously) No.
Sam: (Seriously) No.
Erik: We're meeting the Inspector at the Orchards. We should bring a (bad French accent) bem.
Drew: Whenever we go to the Orchards we bring a bem.
Erik: (Points at Kevin) He's our bem.
The Inspector has files on all the members of Slayer Club. Sam's is especially thick.
Sam: Hey!
Kevin: Big deal. So they have your bra size.
Drew: She doesn't... (stops in horror).
Sam: Hey!
Sam: I defer to Drew in the search for secret drawers. Doors! The search for secret doors.
In the narrow sewer tunnel, the vamps can only come at Sam one at a time.
Drew: It's like a bad kung fu movie.
Michael: Very nice, thank you, move along.
Drew: Now staking #7.
Callie: I can't really see Andrea as Psycho Evil Threat Bitch.
Erik: But you can see Tori as Psycho Evil Threat Bitch. She'll be thrilled!
Erik: Using the detection device, does the brownie appear to be magical? (rolls a critical failure)
GM: Oh, yeah. It's like the Brownie of Vecna or something.
The downside to using CB radios for intra-party communication.
Erik: Mighty Thor calling Wonder Woman. You out there, Wonder Woman?
Sam: This is Wonder Woman. Go ahead, Mighty Thor. Over.
Erik: Don't eat the brownies. They're really magical.
Trucker: Mighty Thor, this is Comanche. Where can I get me some of them magic brownies? Over.
Malachi is having difficulty with coming to terms with the scale of things in this country.
Malachi: Do you know whose cars these are?
Sonia: No.
Malachai: (Puzzled) I thought you were from around here.
Malachi has also gone a little overboard in dressing for winter.
Joshua: It's Nanook, the Dork of the North.
Samira: Do you recognize this man?
Sonia: (Bespelled by Drew's rugged handsomeness) N-No. I... I... (trails off)
Samira: (Coldly) We thought you were from around here.
Thanks to Joshua, Drew has taken the form of Kelly LeBrock.
Hartsdale: At this point, I get out the Polaroid camera.
GM: Sylvia comes to the door with her hair in curlers, wearing a robe and bunny slippers.
Drew: Are they made out of real bunnies?
Drew: What ever you do, don't leave me alone with your cats!
Kevin: My cats can take care of themselves. They can translocate if they have to. Most cats can. It's just not common knowledge.
Erik looks at Drew and he turns into Sam (although with a bigger chest).
Erik: Oh. I wasn't expecting that.
Michael: Now, you've seen what Melina has done to Drew.
Kevin: Yeah. Given him a boob-job.
Erik: Who do you think Cora will turn him into, Johnny Depp or Winona Ryder?
Actually, she turned him into Tori.
Drew: Who was that on the phone?
Kevin: Your alter-ego.
Drew: Which one?
Kevin: Tori.
Drew: Funny, it feels like she was just here...
Juanita looks at Drew and he turns into back into himself.
Juanita: Oh. I wasn't expecting that.
The group plots how to take out Melina's lair, which is home to a couple dozen vampires and witches.
Joshua: Let's send the mob guys in the back door as a distraction. I can sneak in through the bell tower and...
Drew: Actually, I think I need to go in alone. Try to talk to her.
Joshua: (seriously) Good plan.
The others nod.
Drew: Don't let's all try to talk me out of this at once.
Drew heads off alone toward the lair.
Kevin: Dead man walking.
Vivian comes around a corner and runs into Drew, alone and unarmed, in the lair.
Vivian: (grins maliciously) Oh. I wasn't expecting that.
Drew, in Donovan's body, decapitates a vamp that was trying to bite him.
Donovan/Drew: "Didn't anyone ever tell you not to bring your teeth to a sword fight?"
GM: Do you drink the potion?
Donovan/Drew: Sure! It's not my body.
Gypsy Woman: You, girl! You will be the ruin of us all!
Michael: Well, she is French.
GM: You see Melina's bags lying over to one side, with a book
sticking out of the top. It's the Black Sutra.
Kartovil: Which my family has! I have deep pockets. I'll steal it.
Joshua: Shotgun!
Drew: Hey! That's my seat.
Joshua: Does it have your name on it?
Drew: Actually, yes.
Sam: One of those nights when I was detailing my truck, I painted our names over the doors.
Tori's father turned out to be evil after all and the gang has captured him. He's been beaten, questioned, and is currently tied to a chair.
Erik: It's 4:00 am. Does anybody need to call their parents?
Joshua: Mr. Clark, can Tori stay out all night?
Michael: Have you claimed the Orb yet, Tori? Have you made it your own?
Joshua: She can't claim Mars—she doesn't have a flag.
Juanita has Drew pinned down and is administering "first aid."
Joshua: Is that technically a combat situation?
Drew: Yes!
Erik: Are we taking Mr. Clark with us to fight Abernathy?
Mr. Clark: (To Tori) Will you let me help you?
Joshua: (In Darth Vader accent) I'm your father Tori.
Drew: (Also in Darth Vader accent) You know this to be true. Join me and we can defeat the White Philosopher and rule this town together, father and daughter.
GM: Michael gets thrown into Sylvia just as she's taking components out of her pouch for the spell. She's knocked down and powder goes flying everywhere.
Joshua: The coke!
Erik: When I eat meat, it's usually at Drew's.
Joshua: And is Drew's meat good?
Joshua: We could do a group seance. Just put out an open call and see what comes.
Hartsdale: Joshua, in the history of remarkably bad ideas...
Hartsdale: While using the black arts to charm the fairer sex may seem like a good idea, it rarely works out. When you call forth things from the netherworld, it does not impress women.
Erik: I am Erik, son of... what's my father's name?
Drew: Cut!
Erik and Drew are making fun of Hartsdale, as usual.
Joshua: Dudes, why are you whispering? He's right there.
Erik: We're speaking geek. He doesn't understand that.